Time to Tell Your New Year’s Resolutions to “Pound Sand”
Written by Guest Writer
Kathleen Palmer
All right, listen up! I am going to propose a slightly different version of “Auld Lang Syne” this year.
I have gathered you four disruptors here today to show you who is boss. You will not tempt me or dictate my life with your false promises and unrealistic expectations.
It’s time to – once and for all – show you out for the frauds that you really are . . . all of you!
And before you all roll your eyes, I know that I bear some responsibility for your past failures. After all, I give you battlefield commissions on January 1st only to reduce you to REMF status by the beginning of February.
But failure starts with YOU, with all of you, so step forward as I call your name, and let’s get this worked out once and for all.
"And I know you will have me meal-prepping on a Sunday night, (fitting my whole week into tiny bento boxes while having you whisper, “You can do this!” in my ear), only to go AWOL by Friday as Rita leaves her homemade chocolate cupcakes in the… Share on X
First up: “I will lose 50 pounds this year…”
I see you, “50lbs,” hiding in the back with a surprised look and a box of milk duds rattling around in your purse. Get up here; I have a few things to say!
First of all, you are unrealistic. Do you know how hard it is for a middle-aged person to lose 10 pounds – let alone 50?
And I know you will have me meal-prepping on a Sunday night, (fitting my whole week into tiny bento boxes while having you whisper, “You can do this!” in my ear), only to go AWOL by Friday as Rita leaves her homemade chocolate cupcakes in the staff break room.
And we all know what happens next, “50lbs.”
We give up and binge the rest of the weekend – thanks a lot, Rita – and start over again Sunday evening.
Take a seat, “50lbs”; there is no room for you in my 2023 world.
"What’s up, “Dream Job”? Don’t try to lure me with your siren song of “career fulfillment.”" @iwillwaitvsp Share on X
Next up: “I will get my dream job this year…”
What’s up, “Dream Job”? Don’t try to lure me with your siren song of “career fulfillment.”
We all know you show up at the worst possible times. Like when our orders get cut for somewhere new, or after we have settled into our most recent zip codes. Or even right now, on the cusp of the fresh, new year.
You are looking pretty smug, “Dream Job.” Do you know something I don’t? Are you relocating to the thriving desert towns near Fort Irwin, or the swampy paradise towns of Fort Polk?
Have you gone “full-on remote” with health benefits for dependents over the age of 23 and who are not in college but actually living in your basement?
Are you willing to hire me in my late 50s with my fractured resume? I am only one PCS away from a permanent zip code, I think.
Back in line, “Dream Job”; see “50lbs” for a consolation Milk Dud.
Oh, look who’s up next: “Show me the money…”
I almost forgot about you. Showing up with your crisp, white shirt, serious eyewear, and your notorious money-saving optimism.
Is this the year I make Dave Ramsey look like an amateur?
Oh, I know we start off strong with the “brew my own coffee” and “no more eating out” mantras. But, before we “pop some tags” and delete my Uber Eats app, I need to ask the same question Ms. Jackson asked in the late 80s:
“What have you done for me lately?”
Don’t get me wrong; out of all the resolutions, you are the most needed, (yet most loathed), one of all. But, before you start to drown me in your spreadsheets and budget cuts, what are you going to do about rising gas and food costs?
And, of course, the question on all milspouse brains . . . where do you go and hide during PCS time?
Get back in line – and take your unrealistic monthly spending plans with you – because we only have a few minutes left to get to the 4th Horseman of the New Year’s Resolution Apocalypse:
“I will spend less time on social media…”
Get on up here. You are the master of the obvious with your warnings of the dangers of social media. Of course I want to spend less time on it; I think we all do.
But, hey “Social Media,” exactly how can we accomplish this?
I mean . . . other than getting everyone else I know and communicate with to also stop using social media. Seriously. I just got my mom to understand how to post on Instagram.
How can we go backward?
I am pretty sure you are the modern resolution equivalent of: “I resolve to quit smoking this year.” Our retro selves knew smoking was bad, but it felt so good and was so easy to do. Just like social media today.
And I know you are about to tell me to just take the APPS off my phone so I won’t be tempted.
Really? Does this work?
I mean, won’t I just be asking to borrow someone’s laptop at some point, (kind of like bumming a cigarette in the old days)?
Just like the other three, “Social Media,” you have good intentions but no follow through. Go stand next to “50lbs”; she is probably packing some snacks.
For Auld Lang . . .
Until the four of you (and all the resolutions spoken on day one of every new year) are willing to show up with a plan and a team of professionals that can handle my weakened resolve on an hourly and daily basis, I can’t even look at you.
Pound sand, all of you! As for that Auld Lang Syne cup of kindness?
How about . . . Auld Lang SEE YOU in 2024!
Kathleen Palmer is an educator and project seeker from Texas. In her 26 years as an Army spouse, Kathleen has taught and coached in six different states and Germany. Kathleen has a big heart for military families and soldiers, and her favorite part of Army life is her acquired community of battle buddies! Kathleen loves words (both speaking and writing them) and has contributed to AWN, VSP, NMFA, The Fort Hood Sentinel, The Army Spouse Handbook, Inside Abu Ghraib, Memoirs of Two US Military Intelligence Officers, and The Army War College at Carlisle. She currently serves as the Content Editor for Mission: Milspouse and pours coffee every day at a local diner in Charlottesville, VA.
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