“‘Why did you do all this for me?’ Wilber asked. ‘I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything for you.’ ‘You’ve been my friend,’ replied Charlotte. ‘That in itself is a tremendous thing.’”
-E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web
A warm mug. An open bible. A toy room for our kids to dismantle while we talked. A hike on a cool evening. An invitation to coffee. Saving me a seat. Adding extra dinner plates to their table. Sharing snacks. Telling stories.
A good friend can change everything.
Ask a military or veteran spouse what the best thing is about the military lifestyle, and many of them will respond simply: the community. Genuine community isn’t just about proximity or shared experience. It’s also about feeling like you belong somewhere or with someone.
Nothing makes me feel the same comforting sense of belonging like being in the presence of a good friend.
Find one. Be one.
Don’t worry about whether or not you fit the definition of what a military spouse is supposed to be. It takes all kinds.
Meet mine:
The Constant
There’s Marry, the constant I’ve leaned on for the past twenty years. Finding genuine friendships in the steady flux of change and demanding schedules can be difficult. Having someone willing to help shoulder the burden by answering your phone call in the middle of her own PCS and asking how you are…that is priceless.
The Cheerleader
Emily, my cheerleader and bonus sister. A good friend can make nearly any situation more bearable. It’s almost impossible to overstate their positive impact. It’s as though, simply by existing next to you, they create a little more air in the room. When another spouse says something that makes your eye twitch, this is the friend whose knowing wink makes you feel seen.
The Commiserator
Jenny Lynne, who brings wit and wisdom to every table. If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll surround yourself with people with traits you admire. Jenny Lynne had me commiserating and cracking ribs when the two of us road tripped with our boys along the Eastern Sierras to join friends at Lake Tahoe. This is the friend who never leaves you feeling stranded at the last rest stop.
Kaci & Jenny Lynne at a VSP Writing Workshop
The Air Freshener
Hayes, ready to whisk me away for a change of pace and a breath of fresh air. Sometimes it’s easier to close the door and draw the curtains than it is to step out onto a new street, in a new town, with an open mind. This friend rings your doorbell—latte in hand—and gets you to start checking off that “things to do” list at your new duty station.
Bonnie, Hayes, Kaci, & Marissa at “Friendsgiving”
The Encourager
Jamie, who reminds me of my true value and validates every emotion I try to swat down. People who value you will always leave their mark. The card shows up in the mail when I didn’t know I needed it. The coffee date becomes a moment of release when she pulls up a chair and asks, “What are we feeling today?”
Kaci, Summer, Jamie, & Hayes on a hike in Guam
The Safe Space
Marissa, who understands when I’ve “peopled” too much and might benefit from a cake pop. I’m a better friend today because of those who befriended me ten years ago when I was a new mom, struggling to climb the barriers that my introverted nature built. This is the friend who just recognizes your needs, who meets you where you are.
The Jailbreaker
Becki, who belts out every Bon Jovi song with me and drives hours just for a lunch date. This is that friend who brightens grey skies, who makes you laugh even when you don’t feel like it. When this military life feels too hard, this is the pal whose joy is contagious.
The Therapist
Lena, who means it when she asks how I’m doing and waits for the real answer. Friendship isn’t just a gift that we enjoy and value receiving from others. It’s also a balm that we can share. This is the friend who gives with open hands and without any expectation for return.
Jamie, Lena, and Kaci
The Rock
Jen, calm, confident, and giver of excellent advice. When I think of the comforts that friends have offered me over the years, most of them are not grand gestures. In the middle of a crazy travel season, spending one spontaneous night with Jen in Hawaii gave me the re-tethering I desperately needed. Military life is filled with uncertainties. This friend gives you stable ground.
Finding Belonging in Each Other
You might have different friend “profiles” you do life with, but the result is the same. We’re all searching for a place we can belong, and a person can feel like home, too.
We can’t take them with us as often as we’d like, especially in the lifestyle many of us endure. When the moving truck arrives, it’s hard to muster goodbyes. They seem so final and unfair. But true friends leave their mark, even when their proximity fades.
When you take the gift they gave you, and focus on passing it on at the next duty station, and the one after that…
That’s how community is forged. That’s how our friends are never really left behind.
That’s how we all find a way to belong.
Kaci & Marissa on a hike in Guam
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KACI CURTIS is a Navy spouse and mom of two. She loves hiking, camping, hot coffee, all things National Parks, thunderstorms, gardening, and book club. Her debut historical fiction novel, Along the Trail, was published last fall with the Wild Rose Press. A member of the Military Writers Society of America, she is honored to share her own experiences through her writing and to help fellow military spouses navigate the unique challenges that military families face today.
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Tags :
Community,Friendships,Military Life,Military Spouse,Relationships,Stories We Tell,Writing
Veterans Spouse Project (VSP) is the only nonprofit arts organization in the nation working to give voice to the experiences of military spouses through theatre and creative arts. Learn more about how to share, connect, listen, and create with us in your community.
