Written by
Tiffany Sarvis
“So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds of thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!”
-Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Military life is full of relationships that are never meant to last forever, and yet some do.
Brian A. “Drew” Chalker famously wrote about how people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Regardless of how long the people we meet are in our lives, we are changed by having met them.
A Reason
When you’re moving as often as we do, some connections are born out of necessity. I’ve had countless moments when I’ve approached a new neighbor or another military spouse and asked:
“I don’t know you yet, but will you be an emergency contact for my son?”
But sometimes those necessary connections go deeper and help us evolve.
I wasn’t sure about becoming involved in the Soldier and Family Readiness Group (SFRG) during my years as an Army spouse. At one of our duty stations, however, I encountered a wonderful group of spouses and a chain of command that changed that for me. They showed me the value of the SFRG in our community and empowered me to be a part of it.
Before then, I had struggled with being labeled as a spouse or a “dependa.” There are many negative and hurtful stereotypes that come with that label, and I didn’t feel truly seen. I had mostly shied away from SFRG events because I felt alone, and I was struggling to build my career, move after move, and to find balance amid TDYs and deployments. I began to distance myself from the military side of my life and instead immersed myself in my “mom” and “career” lives.
Being part of this particular SFRG erased that distance, making me proud to be a military spouse…and making me see the military spouse identity as my superpower.
I began to lean into this “niche” professionally as a journalist too by pitching and writing important stories about the military community.
It also turned me into an advocate. I was able to use my talents to fight fiercely alongside a handful of other spouses on an important issue that gained national media coverage and eventually reached Capitol Hill.
None of that would have happened had those wonderful people not seen something in me that I hadn’t yet seen myself and invited me to one of their meetings.
A Season
I measure my life in PCS moves. Each one represents a different season. Some seasons are tougher for one family member while another absolutely thrives during the same PCS.
Military spouses are masters at reinventing themselves wherever they go.
Florida. We moved there after a season that had been particularly difficult for me socially. Previously, I didn’t have many friends, and whenever I became close to someone, they moved away. I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. Add to that the fact I worked night shifts for a long time, and I was finding it impossible to form and maintain friendships.
By the time I made it to Florida, I had a wall up and wasn’t interested in making friends. In a very surprising life twist, the people I encountered there—from my neighbors to our unit to my co-workers—didn’t care about my walls. They took me in and loved me until I had no choice but to open up and love them back.
Florida turned out to be the hardest place for me to leave.
I felt true grief and mourned when we moved and left that season behind.
It wasn’t the beaches I missed. It was that I knew there would be no more driveway karaoke with my neighbors, or Tuesday night band practice, that the beach and boat adventures with friends had come to an end.
Florida showed me that I am capable of rebuilding after a difficult PCS and that my walls weren’t necessary. Florida changed me and allowed me space to believe that I could find my people again.
A Lifetime
One thing I believe the military community does better than most is creating space for deep, deep connections. Many of those connections—while profound for a season—fade away after the military tells us our time is up at a duty station and the moving trucks take our belongings to a new address, to a place for new connections.
Still, a handful of those deep connections turn into relationships that last a lifetime. Not many people truly understand what we go through unless they’ve lived it. It is that shared experience that bonds us together.
Our service members come and go, yet, as military spouses, we still find ways to keep them in our lives. That skill extends to our friends, who become our family.
When the time zones, miles, and oceans separate us from our biological families, our friends become the people we celebrate milestones and holidays with.
We watch each other’s children, walk hand-in-hand with each other through difficult times… and eventually have to say, “See ya later.”
As military spouses, it’s never goodbye. It’s always, “See ya later.”
When a person becomes family, we find ways to keep them as part of our lives. The relationship doesn’t end because of the distance. What was once meeting up in person turns into FaceTime calls, WhatsApp threads, and group chats, flights and long drives to continue to be there for important moments, sending Christmas cards, and watching each other’s kids grow up through social media posts.
I met one of my closest friends 18 years ago. Sometimes we live on different continents, and sometimes we’re just a few hours’ drive from each other. It hasn’t stopped us from staying close.
A lot of people don’t understand why we drop everything for each other, but it’s because we went through difficult deployments together while half a world away from home.
Deployments force military spouses into conversations most people hope they’ll never have.
What happens if your spouse dies while away at war? One thing the military does is have you list a person who would be called to provide immediate support after receiving that news, and we were each other’s support person. She’s not some name on an obligatory piece of paper.
If I would show up for her in the absolute worst moment of her life, why wouldn’t I be there for all the joyful ones too?
When you feel that deeply about a person, they are stuck with you for life.
See Ya Later…
Everywhere we go, we keep opening the door. Sure, there’s pain and uncertainty saying “See ya later,” but it’s an opportunity to meet the next person who will change your life.
Each season, my military family has grown in numbers while helping me grow as a person. It doesn’t matter if they were with me for a brief moment or for years. They’ve shaped who I am…
…and I carry them in my heart forever.
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TIFFANY SARVIS is a journalist, communications professional, Master Gardener, and proud military spouse. She has navigated PCS moves, deployments, overseas assignments, and the unique challenges and opportunities that come with supporting a service member while building a career and community of her own.
Drawing from nearly two decades of military life, Tiffany is passionate about sharing stories that highlight the resilience, sacrifices, and connections that define military families.
Tiffany is a contributor to the Veteran’s Spouse Project and believes some of the most powerful stories are found in the everyday moments that connect military spouses across duty stations, time zones, and generations.
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