“‘But I don’t want to go among mad people,’ Alice remarked. ‘Oh, you can’t help that,’ said the Cat: ‘we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.’ ‘How do you know I’m mad?’ said Alice. ‘You must be,’ said the Cat, ‘or you wouldn’t have come here.’”
-Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
Loving Through the “Madness”
In Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Alice initially resists going down the rabbit hole because she is afraid of the “mad” people that exist below. Her fear is legit. Who isn’t afraid of the unknown?
In some ways, we are all like Alice. A little naive and a little in denial, believing that “madness” is something we can avoid. Yet, like Alice, we all stand at the precipice of some form of “madness.”
After all, agreeing to marry someone in the military might be considered (to some) a sign of “madness.”
In the story, the Cat bluntly told Alice, “We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.” I think he was correct in his observation, but I think what he meant instead of “mad’ was “unlovable.”
At times, we are all unlovable. I’m unlovable. You’re unlovable. No one (not even Alice) likes to admit that.
What happens when someone we love falls into that dark hole of despair and becomes “unlovable”?
Do we jump in after them? Or do we linger at the top of the hole wringing our hands in indecision? It is scary and unfamiliar and sometimes the person in the hole doesn’t make it easy.
If anyone has ever loved someone with an addiction or a mental illness, it can definitely be a heart-wrenching battle.
They can be mean. They can be unappreciative. They can resist, and, quite frankly…they can be unlovable.
Knowing when to jump and when to walk can be a constant battle for those with “unlovable” people in their lives. When people make mistakes, it’s human nature to disassociate ourselves from them.
We constantly receive conflicting advice from spiritual and secular counselors. Many of the popular, self-preservation philosophies often tell us, “Just cut them out of your life!”
It sounds easy, but who will love them? Who will keep trying?
Our service members often fight for the “unlovable.” They don’t get the luxury to linger at the top of the hole. They jump and they fight. Maybe that is the approach we need to take with those who are “unlovable” in our lives.
Maybe we need to stop thinking like a mother, a brother, a daughter, or even a spouse. Maybe we need to think like a soldier. Maybe we need a mission or an OPORD to love the unlovable.
Try to think about it differently. That person we love is still down there. They may be so deep that they can’t see their way out, and it may be a long climb.
Be a soldier. Put on your armor and fight!
If YOU have experienced the pain of watching your loved one turn on you in moments of their greatest despair, I am sorry.
That pain is visceral and makes you want to hide and bleed alone. I promise you are not alone, and hiding won’t stop the bleeding.
Find your tribe. Find your platoon. Find one person who will say: “I see you at the top of that hole—wringing your hands—afraid of the “madness” that is down there.”
We are all afraid of “madness” in some way.
There is a story I would like to leave you with. I actually first heard this story on an old episode of The West Wing.
This guy’s walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, “Hey you, can you help me out?” The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up, “Father, I’m down in this hole; can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me; can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.” The friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.”
I promise you that SOMEONE knows “the way out” of the “madness” you are facing.
Someone out there knows how hard it is to love the unlovable and help those who do not want help.
Someone out there knows a “Cat” that can coax you down the rabbit hole to face whatever is down there.
And if you can’t find that someone, give me a shout…I’ll jump with you!
Kathleen can be reached at dowdk04@gmail.com. If you want to watch the story above on The West Wing episode, click HERE.
Did this story resonate with you?
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Kathleen Palmer is an educator and project seeker from Texas. In her 29 years as an Army spouse, Kathleen has taught and coached in eight different states and Germany. Kathleen has a big heart for both Army families and soldiers. Her favorite part of Army life is her acquired community of battle buddies! Kathleen loves words (both speaking and writing them) and has contributed to Veteran’s Spouse Project, Mission:Milspouse, NMFA, The Fort Hood Sentinel, The Army Spouse Handbook, Inside Abu Ghraib, Memoirs of Two US Military Intelligence Officers, and The Army War College at Carlisle. Her favorite writing piece about being an Army wife is “The Lady in the Grey Suit” which was published in 2015 in Proud to Be: Writing by American Warriors (Vol.3). You can reach her prior work and podcasts at the legacy site of Mission:Milspouse or email her at dowdkp04@gmail.com.
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