Written by Guest Writer
Heather Barnhill
A Permanent Change of Station (PCS) involves many different moving pieces. Unlike a typical move where individuals are deciding when they are leaving, where they are going, and what their set move-in dates will be, a military move may not have these facts nailed down. Also, these slightly important details are subject to change at any time by external forces. This uncertainty can be a gigantic stress monster, but here’s the thing about military spouses: we get it done. The impossible, the crazy, the things that might break someone else or blow up a marriage – somehow these human support structures make it happen.
I’m not saying it’s pretty or it’s done how we originally wanted it done, but the house gets found, the boxes get moved in, and the family gets settled. In case you’re a milspouse who’s new to the “program” or an experienced spouse who just needs to try a different approach, this is the survival guide that has worked for me.
"This is How We Do It: A Milspouse PCS Survival Guide" @iwillwaitvsp Share on XKnow Your Balls
The writer Nora Roberts was once asked about how she juggled all the priorities in her life, and she explained that you just need to know what “materials” make up the life balls you’re currently flinging into space. She said that “the key to juggling is to know that some of the balls you have in the air are made of plastic and some are made of glass. And if you drop a plastic ball, it bounces, no harm done.” When it comes to navigating through the circus of a military move, I tend to think of my kids and pets as the glass balls and the household possessions as the plastic ones. I’ll be sad if the couches don’t make it to the new house, but my husband will be devastated if one of the kids doesn’t make it.
Have a Plan
In theory, a move that is planned and paid for by the Army sounds like a sweet deal. The reality is a little different. In truth, it’s kind of like being in a fight with your hands tied behind your back. It’s great that you don’t have to worry about what to do with your hand during the fight, but it does put you at a significant disadvantage as you try to deal with your opponent. You are welcome to make a plan, have all the lists, and call all the people, (including the 5-star moving company you’d love for the military to send your way), but, at the end of the day, your move will be orchestrated by the people who show up on your lawn the morning of Packing Day 1 . . . and they probably won’t be the ones with that 5-star rating.
There is a certain rhythm that all the movers we’ve had seem to follow on a “two-day pack, one day load” schedule. The first day, every item in the bathroom and kitchen is individually wrapped. Spoons, lipsticks, bathmats. Why they start with the bathroom and kitchen on the first day, while we’re clearly still living in the house, puzzles me. Why not the garage? The basement? Anywhere else in the house that would make it so I wouldn’t have to eat my cereal for the next day’s breakfast with a questionably clean plastic knife?
On Day 2, there is a bit less attention to detail. Dresser drawers are just opened and dumped into moving boxes, and, by Day 3, the office desk and all its contents are simply wrapped shut with packing tape. If this would drive you into a state of madness, feel free to pre-pack and label as many items as you can ahead of time. No promises that that organization will be respected, but maybe it’ll keep your eye from stress-twitching in the moment.
Embrace the Absurd
A PCS to a new location can help you learn new skills. An important survival skill is the ability to adapt and embrace change, no matter how absurd it may seem. Situations that at first appear strange and unfathomable can – over time – be mastered.
For me, learning to deal with cockroaches was one of these skills. When preparing to kill cockroaches, it’s essential to have the proper tools. These creatures can flatten their entire exoskeleton and disappear under a refrigerator in a split second, so you need something with force, weight, and speed. A flip flop is useless. A hard covered book is the standard, but a fly swatter or magazine can be used in a pinch. Little secret: cockroaches love cardboard boxes. At least that’s what my neighbors told me when I first moved to Hawaii, and they were not wrong. Any place dark and the least bit cool will attract them. My neighbors had recommended unpacking and getting those boxes out of my house as quickly as possible. I listened.
Originally, I was terrified of the cockroaches – especially the big flying ones – but, over time, they just became an annoying part of the background. In Hawaii, my kids were toddlers, and my minivan was an open buffet of goldfish, raisins, and apple slices. It was like my children were running a cockroach breeding program from their car seats. Once, in the middle of traffic, I spotted one crawling across the ceiling of my minivan. Again, weapon selection and speed are of the utmost importance, so I grabbed a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese from the middle console and slammed it against the ceiling and just held it there, applying pressure and waiting until I reached the red light to dispose of it.
You might wonder why a mac and cheese box was even in my minivan arsenal. I would, too. My daughter was at that childhood stage where she mimicked everything I did, so as we were heading to the car that morning and I grabbed my purse, she grabbed a box of macaroni and cheese. Admittedly not the weirdest thing she has ever dragged out to the car.
Returning to my cockroach-crushing copilot, my toddler soon realized it was her precious box of pasta being held hostage and expressed her rage with a blood curdling scream. We arrived at the red light, I rolled down the window and quickly flung the cockroach remains out while still holding onto the bright blue box. Mom 1, Cockroach 0, tiny copilot pacified. Absurdity embraced.
Pack Your Big Girl Pants
Sometimes, hearing the survival stories of a PCS gone haywire is actually helpful. Knowing the insane odds a family has faced while still successfully managing to set up home can be inspiring. My friend Megan had done an excellent job of selling their upcoming PCS to the Pacific Northwest to her four kids. They were sad to leave a duty station near Nana, but Mom was promoting the beauty and adventure of Washington state with relish. The kids were psyched, belongings had been packed, and a cross-country, two-vehicle, three-week road trip was achieved! They came sliding into their new hometown, exhausted but ready to meet their moving van and set up their new quarters.
Before the family could exhale, Megan received a call from her spouse. At in-processing, he was informed his position had been cut and that he was to report to San Antonio, Texas by the end of the week. A seasoned Army spouse, Megan knew pointing fingers, freaking out, or going AWOL would accomplish nothing in her long term goal of caring for her family. She quickly threw on her big girl pants, redirected the moving van, gassed up the cars, packed more snacks, and google-mapped her way south. I’ll admit I would have probably lost my mind and had a huge tantrum, but now, knowing that Megan handled the situation and lived to tell about it, I suspect I might muster up the ability to adapt and get the move done.
Make a Perspective Game of It
A favorite activity of my kids is the Fortunately/Unfortunately game. Sitting in a circle, each player adds a line to create a story. Each sentence begins alternatively with the words “fortunately” or “unfortunately.” A PCS-themed version could sound like this:
Unfortunately, when my neighbor was ready to move into her new house, there were no movers available to unpack her truck. Fortunately, her trucks were sent to a nearby storage area to wait. Unfortunately, this took a week. Fortunately, they found movers. Unfortunately, on the day they found movers, there was torrential rain, and the sidewalks were muddy. Fortunately, they waited until the next day when the rain stopped to unpack. Unfortunately, when they unpacked, they discovered that the rain had poured in through a hole in the truck roof and flooded their belongings. Fortunately, they were able to claim most of the damages and get replacement furniture.
Throughout military moves, (and military life in general), there are going to be wins, and there are going to be losses. Remembering to look at the whole picture and not just dwell on the tough stuff helps keep everything in perspective.
Find a Survival Outlet
Don’t be afraid to step away if you’re getting overwhelmed. There will be days nothing goes right and everything is a disaster. Do not take it personally. I promise, despite all the staggering evidence, the universe is not out to get you. This too shall pass. Also remember to delegate. I’m not suggesting you have the pre-teen pack the good china, but surely they can be trusted with the towels(?). While you’re busy taking care of everyone and everything, try to squeeze in a little self care. This might look like going for a run (as long as you come back), dinner out with a friend, binging Ted Lasso, or even soaking in the tub. Whatever works to give you a moment of peace and allow you to come back refreshed, (and to stop contemplating sticking metal in an outlet), is time well spent.
Military moves are a lot. But military spouses really can survive and get it done. This is how we do it.
Heather Barnhill is a beautiful member of the VSP community. She is the true picture of a “resilient” military spouse, writing away in her West Point cat closet, figuring out how to salvage her laptop broken by fighting teenagers, or, currently, PCS-ing like Wonder Woman from New York to Hawaii. She proudly and rightfully wears her milspouse cape and crown.
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